How to help someone dealing with spouse's terminal cancer

Submitted by Mikko Lipasti
in
General Questions and Comments

 Hello,

Bluf: Do you have suggestions as to how to help a guy down the hall whose wife is as I understand in late stages of terminal cancer?

I work in an office hotel that hosts a number of small companies. There's a kitchen where we tend to gather for coffee in the morning.  One of the guys from another company shared recently that his wife's in the late stages of a terminal cancer. They have two teenage sons.

I last saw him before holidays. Everyone else is back except him.

I'm a young guy in my thirties and find myself utterly at loss here. Yet I still feel there must be something I or we (other guys around the coffee table) could do to help. Any thoughts? 

Submitted by Todd Puccio on Monday January 13th, 2014 2:33 pm

E75,
Just be there - be friendly - you don't know what else he needs.
In situations like this if you are not in a close relationship you really do not know what he needs from you.
It is best not to guess.
Here are a few suggestions

  •  Find out if anyone in the office has a strong personal relationship with him - they might know what he needs

This is the first thing you can do, maybe somebody closer has a good idea.
 

  •  When/If his wife dies.....

A condolensce card is in order.
A visit to the wake/viewing as a group of office mates is also in order.
Then take him to lunch once a month as a group.
 

  •  When he does return.

A simple acknowledgement is the expected polite thing to do.
"I heard that your wife is ill (or died), I'm sure that is difficult, I'm sorry to hear it."
Period .. that's all.   Don't offer to help. Don't say "If there is anything you need ...."
Sometimes people in this situation need the workplace to be a steady place where they focus on work and not think about their problems.
They find comfort in the fact that the workplace does not change - it may be the only steady reliable thing in his life right now.
If you see him at 10:00 am coffee each day - then you can be a steady coffee partner. - Be there at 10:00am each day.
Talk about whatever he wants to talk about ---  movies, TV, his wife.
Maybe he likes to hear about other people's social activities - to hear that there is some normalcy in the world.
Maybe he doesn't want to hear about other people's inane simple lives, when his life is upside down.
Test the waters a little.   Be a good office mate.   Build the relationship .....  let it take time.
Listen carefully and you hear what you can do --  movie tickets for his teenage sons ?  Baseball game one Saturday...
Maybe he will be selling his wife's car or favorite chair soon and you know somebody who is looking to buy one.
 
This man already has a family and (hopefully) a support network.
It is not your responsibility to fix anything.  You can't.
Just be yourself, be kind, be professional.
 
Pray for him.
 
TJPuccio

Submitted by Tim Rutter on Monday January 13th, 2014 7:02 pm

 TJ, love the advice and the layout is great and easy to follow. There's a podcast there without any reworking it

Submitted by Maura Shortridge on Tuesday January 14th, 2014 7:43 am

TJ's advice is on point.  A few years ago, my husband and I took in his father for the last 5 months of his life, everything at home turned upside down.  I definitely didn't want to address it to people I only knew casually at work, and preferred to keep some sense of normalcy while at work, even with people I was closer to.  It's a pretty common coping mechanism.  So, if the topic comes up, by all means respond compassionately, but try to respect the boundaries if it doesn't come up. 
The harder part was after he passed.  My husband and I both pushed our own emotions aside while we were dealing with his decline, just to get through the sheer work of caregiving while trying to keep our household running.  After he was gone, all that still had to be dealt with.    The grieving process can last for months, and that is when he may need you. 

Submitted by Martin Culbert on Tuesday January 14th, 2014 2:19 pm

Some insights,
My team and I have had over 6 losses this year. Once you hear of the issue do the following:
  Ask regularly how things are going
  Ask if you can support in any way
  Allow for mistakes and errors
  Pay extra attention to special days (December was rough on me this year)
At this time there are probably a dozen of us who check in with one another and share our thoughts and care. It is amazing what we all think but "don't dare" share with others.
Good luck! Make a difference just by caring.

Submitted by Alfred Brignull on Tuesday January 14th, 2014 4:58 pm

Great insights from Maura and MFCulbert as well. In times like these, it's not about us, but about them. You can show you care by acknowledging their loss. A good start is to say simply, "I'm sorry for your loss." Then, be there in the moment to listen. Everyone will grieve in their own way. I agree with MFCulbert-- caring does make a difference.