Lack of Trust of Her Insecurity?

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Is this a problem of trust or insecurity? Do I need to look at increasing concentric circles starting from my desk? The issue: A manager (one of my directs) is very sensitive of her performance appearance to others. When she hits ''bumps' in the road she goes to great lengths to ensure others still think well of her. This is manifesting itself as repeatedly asking me if my VP is aware of decisions that I make that impact her work. When she does this, it appears to me that she doesn't trust my decision judgement and wants to be sure my manager is aware so she's insulated from any fallout. Is this a trust issue or insecurity on her part? During a conference call yesterday, something her and I've been working on hit a bump and we had to take a step back and re-evaluate. She stared apologing all over the place to everyone on the call, indicating she thought everyone was on the same page, etc. After the call, she asks me to stay in the room, and says, "What the f*** was that?" She then brought up two other examples of when she thought I threw her under the bus which I intrepreted as when she may have looked bad to others. Neither of those examples do I recall me or anyone in management viewing her in any negative light. In fact, during each one-on-one I find something of her behavior to affirm. Is this just her insecurity? Do I need to provided feedback, coaching, or what? Really at a loss on this one. Thanks.
Submitted by CEDRIC WATINE on Thursday June 12th, 2008 11:59 am

Hello Jim,

I am not sure I understand very well the situation. And I am not sure that knowing if it is a problem or "trust" or "insecurity" is the real issue.

Am I right if I say that :
- you are the manager and our direct is asking you to change something in your behavior?
- she is asking you not to put her in situation where she looks bad in front of your other directs. And she is asking that by using rude words (if f**** is a rude word !)
Described like is, it seems that roles are a little bit in the wrong way.

I think you cannot give feedback about her "insecurity". because "insecurity" is not a behavior, it is a conclusion you draw on a behavior you have observed.

So the first thing is to find out what is the behavior which is perturbating you. I think that the feed back could be something like : "When you start apologizing all over the place to everyone on the call, indicating you thought everyone was on the same page, etc, it looks like you are not responding to my remark in a professional manner, it makes me think you are not in control, and that you contest my decision, what can you do differently next time?". (If it is the problem).

The other thing that you could re-inforce is : "when I give you some feed back, I am not judging you as a person. I am just indicating you that I would like to see some change in your behavior. It is respect. I believe you can progress".
It seems that this person takes adjusting feedback as a personal attack so you must show her it is a request from you to see her change her behavior. As her boss, you owe that to her.

And ... Do you give her MORE positive Feedback than negative?

Submitted by Inactive Membe… on Thursday June 12th, 2008 2:06 pm

Jim -

My first reaction: your direct needs to worry more about [i]her [/i]boss than about [i]your [/i]boss!

It could be trust, it could be insecurity, it could be an inflated sense of self...

The great thing is that you're going to address her [i]behaviors[/i], and not her "attitudes" (like mistrust, insecurity).

I agree with Cedric that corrective feedback is called for. Be very clear about describing the behaviors back to her. Then if you stay really quiet after asking: "What are you going to do differently?" you might hear some clues about what's driving her.

-Hugh

Submitted by Anton Federkiewicz on Thursday June 12th, 2008 2:41 pm

Great question with great answers. I can only add my experience with a similar direct.

One of my staff has behavior patterns that are very similar. When I started out, I would actually find her in my bosses office asking him if what I was doing was what he wanted done. Fortunately, my boss told her that I was her boss and it should be brought up with me. She got the idea.

After about half a year of one on ones and tons of explanations about why we are doing things in a different way as well as a liberal sprinkling of the feedback such as described by ced, things changed for the better. She trusts me.

My advice, stick to behavioral feedback. Don't try to figure out motives. If she is insecure nothing you do will matter. If she doesn't trust you, you have worse problems but the cure for that has been given to you already.

Additionally, I assure my staff that they can question anything I do....in our one on ones and in a professional manner. I don't dress them down in public and I expect the same courtesy. I have had directs tell me flat out that they thought I screwed up royally...and they were right. That said, they did it with the same respect that I show them and in private.

It is very important to be able to get feedback from your staff. The appropriate response to any feedback they give you is "Thank You" because it is a gift. I mean that! A gift.

Submitted by US41 on Thursday June 12th, 2008 11:22 pm

[quote="Jim Clark"]Is this a problem of trust or insecurity? Do I need to look at increasing concentric circles starting from my desk?[/quote]

No and Yes. No it is not trust nor insecurity. Those are your conclusions. She has engaged in behaviors. You are not her therapist, and it is not your job to discover the root cause or internal feeling of hers that causes her behavior. Just adjust the behavior and let her feel as she likes. You should be giving feedback on her behavior all the time.

If one of my directs uses the F-word, they get feedback. If they raise their voices, they get feedback. If they talk really fast, really slow, roll their eyes, or stand too close to me, they get feedback. I give feedback all day long about anything I like or don't. Pretty soon, they know what I want from them.

I can't say if she had used professional feedback in this situation that she would have been wrong. You didn't describe what you did or what she did enough to say who was in the right. Maybe you did criticize her work or make her look incompetent in front of everyone. It's hard to tell. If the feedback were delivered to me calmly and professionally, heck, I'll take it. I'd answer, "Thanks for telling me." Then I'd say nothing else, and I would adjust. I ask my folks to tell me about my behavior - start, stop, and continue. I don't argue while we discuss it.

But the dramatic behavior I would definitely give adjusting feedback. If it repeats, we'd go from feedback to, "Look, you keep raising your voice and pitching temper tantrums, and I'll find someone else to run this project for me and you can do their paperwork. I don't need this nonsense. Clear?"