BLUF: I've recently had a couple of big disappointments at work. I'm pretty upset about the way things went and I'm finding I'm not able to maintain as professional a demeanor as I would like. My work is suffering, and the wrong people are starting to notice that I'm perennially pissed-off.
I actually like my job and, while I am contemplating a change, I certainly don't want to perform poorly at any time, for any reason.
Gory Details:
I was recently passed over for two job openings for which I applied. One would have been a lateral into another manager position that would have been a stretch; the other was the individual contributor role on the same team that was vacated by the candidate who was selected for the manager.
In both cases, the announcement of who had been selected was made before I was told it wasn't me. In the case of the individual contributor role, I was informed by one of my directs who had also applied for the position. Their explanation? "We couldn't find you." Their explanation of why I wasn't chosen? The other guy had "better technical skills". This is a guy whose work I have had to take over and rework and expand.
And when I tried to expand my knowledge and scope by offering to take on some of the responsibilities of my manager who has announced several times that he will retire within the next couple of years, I was told I wouldn't be able to handle it.
So I'm feeling pretty beat down. All the feedback I get from my manager is that I'm doing great. Everybody loves me. My work is valuable; my team is solid.
I'm well compensated and I like what I do, but I feel hurt and angry and, as I said above, folks are starting to notice. I need some advice on how to maintain my normal pleasant, eager-to-help, go-getter demeanor that is a significant part of how I got where I am.
Many thanks for any advice.
Recover Quickly
While I am not sure that I can help with the how to get back to a normal pleasant state for you, I think you hit on something critical. You say that others are starting to notice. That is the big issue. One of the things we look at in our people we are thinking of promoting is how quickly they recover from setbacks. A good leader bounces back quickly. So to me it critical that you you get to a point where at least outwardly you look like you have recovered quickly. I worked with a career coach and this is one of the areas I needed to work on. In talking about this and determining a strategy to address this we decided that I was allowed five minutes to be mad, pout, or what ever reaction that came up. After that I had to move beyond and let it go. It is tough sometimes but I now catch myself then I haven't left go of something.
s
Check yourself, take inventory, move forward.
I'm sorry you were passed over. It's sucks. We all have been there or are there right now. You're allowed to wallow in it and feel sorry for yourself for a bit. Tonight eat a roll of cookie. Have a few drinks. Tell your best friend what a jerk everyone is. Do something involving misery because tomorrow you will check yourself. No one likes a sore loser. Even if you were the best, you didn't get it. BTW Some organizations announce the winner first, some don't.
Trying for promotion and getting passed over happens. That's the risk of trying. Think of it now as an opportunity to develop a plan for the future of your career. Getting promoted is a process not a destination. Talk to your boss. Explain your disappointment. Explain why you thought you were the best candidate. Ask for the details on why you where passed over. Ask for advice on how to get the next job. Ask what your boss needs and the organization needs. Explain that your mapping out your career so one day you'll be the clear choice for the promotion. Explain about being told you "couldn't handle it". Ask trusted friends and coworkers what you need to improve on. Write it all down. Assess. Dig down deep into MT podcasts. Implement the Trinity. If "they" won't give you opportunities, find people or tasks that help you grow. There is always something that no one wants to do which you can take on. There are always people beside your boss that can help you develop.
You have it all. You're good at what you do, you're a hard worker, you have drive, you get compensated well, and everyone loves you. That's the base which all good things come. Don't compromise your integrity or your professionalism.
It was just one step in the path to success. Good luck. We are all behind you.
KM
Thank you, both, I needed
Thank you, both, I needed that. Just reading your advice jolted my brain into remembering how I got where I am and reminded me that a) it's not NEARLY as bad as it's been in the past, and b) I've got plenty of valuable stuff hanging out on the proverbial back-burner--time to dust it off and get back in the groove.
I'll let you know how it goes.
JulieGeek
Awesome.
I figured you knew all of that already and just needed to hear it from someone else.I look forward to hearing how it turns out.
KM
Been on the other side
I was recently in a position where there was an opening and four internal candidates vied for the spot and I got it. I fully expected that the "runner-up" candidate would become my "right-hand man" and would get increased responsibility and experience to be positioned to get a promotion the next time such a position opened up.
Unfortunately, he did not take it well and in fact he proved to everyone in management at several levels above that he was not qualified to be a manager because he could not behave professionally about not getting the position. Not only did he ruin his chances of being considered the next time, he behaved so badly that he also tarnished his reputation with managers who later left the company to join new firms would not consider offering him any type of position at their new firms - and these were people he had worked with at other companies prior to this one.
In my view, there are two ways to handle this - either suck it up and ask for honest feedback on what you need to improve on to show you are ready for such a position next time, or, if you can't do that, find yourself a position somewhere else. It may be that you're great but you just don't fit in with the corporate culture enough to make it to the next level in your current company. It happens.
It sounds like your management is being duplicitous, in that they tell you you are great, but then they won't promote you. Every company has its own culture and some fit us better than others. Perhaps there is a company more suited to you where you could be very successful. If you can't get direct, actionable feedback on why you're not getting promoted, it might be best to move on. And if you can't conduct yourself professionally and people are noticing, then it's definitely best to move on before you wind up with a whole company full of people who think you're a sore loser or unprofessional.
I'm not saying you've gone that far, but I've seen it happen and I suggest that you don't let it happen to you. Life is too short!
Best of luck,
Jenn
It isn't duplicitous to say "you're great" then not promote you
Telling someone they're great just means exactly that: that you're a great performer. It doesn't mean that the next spot to open up on the next rung of the ladder is definitely yours. You could be missing out because you're not the only person who's great, or because there's some skill or trait you're not demonstrating that higher management feels is necessary for the promotion.
For Julie specifically: it sounds like your management isn't great about helping to grow their people, because it doesn't sound like you're getting the specific, actionable feedback you need to grow yourself into the role you want. That might mean that it's time to move to another firm that is a better fit, but there isn't a high probability that you'll end up with better management -- what you're describing is pretty much the median management practice.
To improve your mood, I'd actually suggest taking a look around. I've often found that just knowing that I have other options, that I'm not "stuck" where I am, improves my disposition significantly. Talking with colleagues, it appears that I'm not alone in that. It's one of the reasons I never discourage any of my people from keeping their eyes open for other opportunities. See what else is out there, and then either accept that what you've got isn't that bad after all, or that there is something much bigger and better out there for you, and take it!